Move Beyond "Good Job" and Become a True Source of Strength

Last year, my friend Sam almost gave up on his big dream. For years, he had wanted to start his own small coffee roasting business. He saved up money, read all about coffee beans, and practiced roasting in his garage. He finally decided to go for it. And then, everything got hard. Really hard.

His money was running out fast. One day, a whole batch of expensive beans burned. The smell was awful, and the loss felt even worse. He sent emails to cafes asking them to buy his coffee, but no one replied. The silence felt heavy. I could see the light in his eyes starting to fade. He was so close to quitting. He felt like he had tried and failed.

One night, feeling completely alone and defeated, he video-called our friend Lisa. He told her about the money, the burned beans, the silence. His voice was flat. He was just sharing the mess, not really asking for help.

Lisa listened. She didn't jump in with advice. She didn't tell him to "stay positive!" She just let him talk until he was done. There was a quiet moment. Then she said something simple.

"Sam," she said, "I've tasted your coffee. That last bag you gave me? I think about it when I make my boring grocery-store coffee. It's that good. The world needs your coffee. It really does."

She let that sink in. She wasn't just being nice. She was stating a fact she truly believed.

Then she asked one more question. "Forget the huge, scary problem for a minute. What is one tiny thing you could do next? Just one small thing for today?"

She didn't give him cash. She didn't solve his problems. She gave him fuel.

That question changed his direction. It turned him from staring at the giant, impossible mountain to looking at the path right in front of his feet. What was the one tiny thing? He decided to clean his messy garage workstation. The next day, he emailed just one new cafe, not ten. Then he tasted one new bean sample.

Step by small step, he moved forward. Sam's business isn't huge today, but it's alive and growing. He has customers who love what he makes. The spark is back in his eyes. He says that one talk with Lisa, that moment of real encouragement, was what turned things around. It didn't fix his problems, but it helped him see he could fix them himself.

We have all been where Sam was. I know I have. You probably have, too. We've all had days where everything feels too heavy, where one kind word from someone could have made all the difference. We know that feeling.

And we have also been in Lisa's shoes. You've seen a friend who is struggling. You've noticed when someone seems tired or defeated. We've all had the chance to say something that might lift another person up.

But sometimes, I think we get it wrong. We think encouragement means just saying "You can do it!" or "Great job!" We mean well, but those words can feel empty. They can sound like something you just say, like a habit. They don't always reach the heart of the person who is hurting.

Real encouragement is different. It has a quiet kind of power. It connects people. It helps heal disappointment. It gives people the strength to take the next step.

The good part is, anyone can learn this. You don't need to be a superstar motivator. I am not one. It comes down to paying attention and choosing your words with care. It's about moving from a cheerleader on the sidelines to someone who walks a few steps alongside the other person.

So, how do we do that? How do you become someone whose encouragement actually helps? I want to talk about that. Here are a few simple things you can start doing today.

1. Listen First, Speak Second

This is where I got it wrong for so long. I used to think encouragement was about the words I said. Someone would tell me about a problem, and I would instantly start thinking of my reply. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make them feel better, right away. My mind would race for the perfect advice or a happy story from my own life. I was not really listening. I was just waiting for my turn to talk.

Have you ever done that? We all have. When we see someone hurting, it makes us uncomfortable. We want to make the bad feeling go away. So we jump in with a solution or a cheerful thought. We want to help, but we skip the most important step.

Here is what I learned: The first and greatest gift you can give someone is your full attention, not your advice.

Think about the last time you felt really down. Maybe you had a bad day at work or a fight with someone you love. What did you want most? You probably did not want someone to tell you what to do. You probably wanted someone to just get it. You wanted to feel like they saw your hurt and that it was okay. You wanted to feel less alone.

This is the foundation. Before you say a single encouraging word, you need to listen. Really listen.

So, what does "really listening" look like? It is active. It means you stop everything else. You put your phone down, out of sight. You look at the person. You notice their face and their tone. You hear the words they say, but you also hear the feeling behind them. Is there anger in their voice? Is there tiredness? Is there fear?

Your job right then is not to have an answer. Your job is to be there. To let them know their feelings make sense. You can do this with simple phrases:

"That sounds so hard."

"I can hear that this really matters to you."

"It's okay to feel that way."

"I'm just here to listen."

Let me give you an example. Imagine your friend says, "I'm so tired of trying to eat healthier. I just keep failing." The old me would have jumped in: "Oh, don't say that! You're doing great! Have you tried that new app?"

But the "listen-first" me would pause. I would hear the disappointment. I might say, "It sounds really frustrating to keep trying and feel stuck." Do you see the difference? The second response doesn't give advice. It gives understanding. It tells your friend, "I am with you. You are not alone in this."

We have to practice this pause. I know it feels hard at first. But this quiet moment of listening is what builds a bridge. It is the solid ground where your kind words later on can actually land. If you skip this step, your nice words might sound hollow, because the person still feels unheard.

So next time, try it. Let them finish. Let there be a quiet moment after they stop talking. Show them with your full, quiet attention that what they feel is real and safe with you. You might find that this quiet listening is the most encouraging thing you can do. It says, "I see you. I am here." And often, that is exactly what a person needs to start finding their own strength again.

2. Get Specific: Why "Good Job" Isn't Enough

Alright, so you've listened. You understand how they feel. Now you want to say something helpful. This is where we usually grab the easiest phrases we know. We say things like "Good job!" or "You're awesome!" or "Well done!"

I have done this so many times. I thought I was being a good friend or a supportive person. But after a while, I started to notice something. Sometimes, these general phrases would just fall flat. The person would say "thanks," but they didn't seem to really feel it. It was like I gave them a compliment made of air—it disappeared as soon as they heard it. It didn't stick.

Let's think about why. Words like "Great!" are vague. They are too broad. They could mean anything. If you tell me my drawing is "nice," I don't know what you liked. Was it the colors? The idea? Just the fact that I finished it? Because the praise is so general, my brain has a hard time believing it. It feels like something you say to be polite.

This is where you can change everything. The key is to get specific. Trade the general compliment for a detailed one.

Here is how you do it. Instead of thinking "I should say something nice," you think: "What was one real, concrete thing I noticed?" Then, you say that thing.

Let's look at some examples.

Imagine your coworker gives a presentation.

• Vague: "Good presentation!"

• Specific: "The story you told at the beginning really hooked me. It made a complex topic feel personal."

Imagine your child cleans their room without being asked.

• Vague: "You're such a good helper!"

• Specific: "I saw how you organized all your books by size. That was very thoughtful."

Imagine your friend is learning to garden.

• Vague: "Your garden looks good!"

• Specific: "I noticed how healthy your tomato plant leaves look. You must be watering them just right."

Do you feel how those are different? The specific comments do something special:

• They Show You Actually Noticed. When you mention a detail, it proves you were really paying attention. This makes your words powerful and true. The person feels seen.

• They Teach Someone Their Own Strengths. When you say, "You explained that so clearly," you are holding up a mirror. You are showing them a skill they have. They can think, "Oh, I am good at explaining things."

• They Feel Real. Anyone can say "good job." It takes a moment of real thought to say why it was good. That moment of thought is a gift.

We need to practice this. It is a new habit to build. The next time you are about to give a general compliment, pause. Take one extra second. Ask yourself: "What is one single, specific thing I can mention?"

Then, say that one thing.

It might feel a little strange at first. You might worry it sounds too small. But I promise you, to the person hearing it, it won't sound small. It will sound sincere. It will feel like you truly saw their effort. You are giving them a piece of real confidence they can hold onto.

3. Encourage Effort, Not Just Achievement

Our world loves to celebrate the finish line. We throw parties for the promotion. We cheer for the winning goal. We congratulate the big sale, the published book, the final grade. And that's good! Those moments should be celebrated.

But I have a question for you. What about everything that happens before the finish line? What about the early mornings, the late nights, the practice sessions, the mistakes, and the simple act of getting up and trying again? If we only cheer for the trophy, we are leaving people alone during the hardest part of their journey—the long, tough climb.

Think about it from your own life. Remember learning to drive, or to cook, or to use a new software for your job? The moment you finally succeeded felt great. But the week before, when you were frustrated and making mistakes, that was when you most needed someone to say, "You're getting there. I see you trying."

This is where you and I can make a real difference. We can choose to be the kind of person who cheers for the effort, not just the end result. We can praise the process, not just the product.

Let me give you an example from my life. When I was learning to bake bread, my first few loaves were terrible. They were dense and lumpy. If my friend had only said, "I can't wait to taste a perfect loaf!" I would have quit. Instead, she said, "I am so impressed you keep trying. I see you taking notes on what works each time. That's how you learn." She praised my persistence—my effort. That made me want to keep going.

This is a powerful shift. It means looking for and naming the hard work you see.

Here is how you can do it:

• For a student: Instead of only saying, "Great A on your test!" try, "I noticed how you studied a little bit every night this week. That discipline is really going to help you."

• For a friend training for a race: Instead of just saying, "Good luck on race day!" try, "I've seen you stick to your running schedule, even on rainy days. Your commitment is amazing."

• For a colleague: Instead of only congratulating them for a finished project, try, "The way you solved each problem that came up during this project was impressive. You never gave up."

Why does this matter so much?

• It Builds Resilience. When you praise effort, you teach a powerful lesson: Your hard work has value, all by itself. If the outcome isn't perfect, the person still knows their effort mattered. They are more likely to try again.

• It Fuels the Long Journey. Big goals take time. Praise for effort is like putting fuel stations along a long highway. It gives people the energy to keep driving when the destination is still far away.

• It Is Honest. Most of life is not the shiny finish line. Most of life is the daily effort. When we encourage effort, we are choosing to celebrate real life. We are saying, "I see you in the middle of your struggle, and I am cheering for you right here."

So, let's not just be fans who cheer when our team scores. Let's be the coaches who are there for every practice. Let's notice the sweat, the patience, the courage it takes to try again. Let's name it.

Tell your friend, "Your consistency is inspiring."

Tell your child, "I love how you concentrated on that puzzle."

Tell yourself, "I showed up today, and that counts."

When you encourage someone's effort, you are not just hoping for their future success. You are actively helping them build the strength to reach it.

4. Be Authentic, Not Just Positive

When we try to be encouraging, we sometimes think we have to be constantly sunny and bright. We feel like we need to cover up every worry with a positive saying. When someone shares something hard, we quickly say things like, "Just think happy thoughts!" or "Look for the silver lining!"

I have done this. I thought I was helping. I believed that if I could just point out the good, the person would feel better. But sometimes, I noticed my words didn't land right. The person might go quiet. My cheerful words didn't make them feel hopeful. Instead, they made them feel like I didn't really understand. I was asking them to pretend their pain wasn't there.

This is what happens when we use what some call "toxic positivity." We try so hard to be positive that we ignore real feelings. We accidentally tell the person, "Your sadness is too heavy for me. Please be happy instead." This doesn't build anyone up. It builds a wall.

So, what is the better way? Being real. True encouragement isn't about pretending the storm isn't happening. It's about being the person who says, "I see the storm. I'm here with you in the rain."

Think about a time you felt really sad or scared. Did you want someone to tell you to "just be positive"? Probably not. You probably wanted someone to say, "That sounds really difficult. I'm sorry you're going through this." That kind of honest response makes you feel seen. It makes you feel less alone.

You can be this person. It takes more courage to be real than to just be cheerful. Here is how this looks.

Imagine your friend is going through a tough divorce.

• Fake Positivity: "Stay positive! Now you're free to find your soulmate!"

• Authentic Encouragement: "This is such a painful and hard process. It's okay to not be okay. I'm here to listen."

Imagine your sibling failed a big exam.

• Fake Positivity: "Just believe in yourself next time! You'll ace it!"

• Authentic Encouragement: "Wow, that is so disappointing after all that studying. It's completely fair to feel upset right now. I'm proud of you for trying something so hard."

Do you feel the difference? The authentic response does something very important:

• It Builds Deep Trust. When you let someone be sad, you show them they can be their real self with you. This makes you a safe place.

• It Honors the Truth. Hard feelings are part of being human. When you acknowledge someone's pain, you are respecting their true experience.

• It Makes Your Support Stronger. Later, when you say, "I know you'll get through this," they will believe you. Why? Because you first believed them when they said they were hurting. Your hope is built on truth.

We need to remember this: Encouragement is not about acting happy. It is about being kind and honest. It is about saying, "I see your struggle, and I am not turning away. I believe in you, not because your life is perfect, but because I see the real strength you have inside."

So, be brave enough to be real. You don't need to have a perfect, happy answer. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, "This is really hard. I'm with you."

Your realness will be a gift. It tells the person they are not alone. And that feeling of true company is the very heart of encouragement.

5. Make It Actionable

We have talked about listening, being specific, cheering for effort, and keeping it real. Now, let's get practical. Let's talk about how to turn support into real movement. Because encouragement that doesn't lead to action can sometimes feel like a hug that ends too soon. It feels good for a second, but then you're left standing in the same place, unsure what to do next.

Think about a time you felt completely stuck. Maybe you were looking at a messy closet you needed to organize. The mess was so big you didn't know where to start, so you just closed the door. In that moment, if someone said, "You can handle it!" a part of you might have thought, "I know I can, but I don't know HOW to start."

That "how" is the most important part. This is where you can help someone move from feeling supported to feeling strong and capable. The goal isn't to do the work for them. The goal is to help them find the very first, smallest step.

Let's go back to the story of my friend Sam. Remember what Lisa asked him? She didn't just say, "Don't give up!" She asked a powerful question: "What’s the one next small thing you can do today?"

That question changed everything. It took a huge, scary problem ("save my failing business") and turned it into a single, doable task ("clean the garage"). That question built a bridge from feeling stuck to taking action.

This is a tool we can all use. It's about changing big, fuzzy encouragement into a small, clear next step.

Here is how you do it. When someone tells you about a problem or a goal, don't just think of kind words. Think: "What is the smallest, easiest first move they could make?" Then, help them see it. You can do this by asking a simple question.

Let's look at some examples.

• Situation: Your friend is stressed about writing a long paper.

• General Encouragement: "You're a great writer! It'll be fine."

• Actionable Encouragement: "That does sound like a lot. What if you just focused on the first tiny part? Could you just write three sentences for the introduction right now?"

• Situation: Your sibling wants to start exercising but feels unsure.

• General Encouragement: "Just go to the gym! You'll feel great."

• Actionable Encouragement: "Starting is always the hardest part. What if the goal for today was just 'put on my sneakers and walk to the end of the street and back'?"

• Situation: A coworker is overwhelmed by a big messy project.

• General Encouragement: "You've got this! Deep breaths!"

• Actionable Encouragement: "Okay, this project feels like a big knot. What's one single string we can pull first? What if the next small thing was to just list the three main parts on a piece of paper?"

Do you see the difference? This kind of encouragement is powerful because it does three things:

• It Stops the Freeze. When we are overwhelmed, we freeze. By finding one "next small thing," you help the person unfreeze. A small step doesn't feel scary.

• It Creates Momentum. Doing one small thing gives you a little win. That little win makes you feel like you can do another thing.

• It Gives Power Back. When you help someone find their next step, you give power back to them. You say, "You know how to do this. Let's just find your starting line."

So, try this. Add this simple question to your conversations: “What’s the next small thing?”

Ask it kindly. You can even suggest a tiny step: "Is the next small thing just opening a new document?" or "Would it help if the next small thing was just making a list?"

When you make your encouragement actionable, you do the best thing a supporter can do. You help someone start their engine. You move them from being stuck to moving forward.

The Ripple You Create

I want you to think back. Try to remember a time when someone’s encouragement really meant something to you. It wasn’t just a nice thing they said. It was a real help. It was like they held out a hand just as you were about to fall. Can you feel that memory? The warmth of it? The way it made you stand a little taller?

That feeling you have right now—that is the ripple. That is the proof that this matters. My friend Sam didn't just hear a cheerful word from Lisa. He heard a real, specific, honest belief that helped him see the next step. That talk changed his business, but more than that, it changed how he felt about himself. And I know he has shared that same feeling with other people since then. That is how the ripple grows.

This is what it really means to be a better encourager. You are learning to use a quiet kind of power. It is the power to see the good in someone who can’t see it in themselves. It is the power to make someone feel less alone with one true sentence.

Look at what we've walked through:

You learned to listen first, to build trust.

We practiced being specific, trading hollow praise for real truth.

I shared why cheering for the hard work is just as important as the win.

We talked about being real, and how saying "this is hard" makes your hope believable.

You saw how to help someone find the "next small thing."

This isn't a strict rulebook. It is a way of seeing people. It is a choice to move through your day with a more caring and noticing heart.

I want you to picture something. Imagine you try just one of these things in the next few days. You give one detailed compliment. Or you listen to a friend's problem without trying to solve it. Picture the small lift in their spirit, the little bit of energy they get. Now, picture them, feeling a bit better, sharing a bit more patience with their child or a bit more help with a coworker. Picture that child or coworker then passing that good feeling along.

Do you see it? The ripple. Your one thoughtful act of encouragement doesn't stop with that one person. It travels. It moves outward in ways you may never know.

So, I am not asking you to be a perfect cheerleader. I am asking you to be a little more bravely human. To believe that your attention and your words are quiet tools for good.

Start small. Start now. Notice one person's effort. Name one specific thing you see. Ask one "what's the next small thing?" question. Your words might be the ones someone remembers for years. Your belief might be the mirror that helps someone find their own courage.

This is the true and simple fact: We build a kinder world through these small, daily gifts of courage. By choosing to be a true encourager, you are starting a chain of good in a story much bigger than your own. And that is a beautiful way to live, one honest and caring word at a time.