Why You Have the Formula Backwards—and How to Flip It for Good.

Ever found yourself stuck in the waiting room of your own life? You know the one. It’s that quiet, anxious space where you’re just sitting, hoping for a sign. You want a guarantee, some solid proof that you’re good enough, smart enough, or ready enough to finally make your move. You wait for confidence to show up like a delivery truck, so you can unpack it and finally begin.

I’ve lived in that waiting room for years. I’d watch other people do the things I dreamed of—speaking up in a meeting, starting a project, asking for more money—and think, “They must just have it. They know they can.” So I waited for my own proof. I waited for the perfect score, the boss’s praise, a flawless first try. But that proof hardly ever came. And if it did, it didn’t stick around. The confidence would fade before I could even use it.

Then I stumbled on a truth that felt uncomfortable at first, but then it changed everything. We all have the formula backwards.

We think it goes like this: Proof → Confidence → Action.
We believe we need proof first to feel confident enough to act.

But the real, powerful order is this: Action → Proof → Confidence.

Confidence isn’t the thing you need to start. It’s the thing you build. It’s not the fuel for the engine—it’s the engine running. You have to start the car first. You have to turn the key.

I started calling this The Confidence Loop. It’s a simple shift that changes everything.

Let me say that again, because it matters: You don’t need confidence to start. You need to start to build confidence.

We get stuck because we wait to feel ready. We wait to feel brave. But bravery isn’t what you feel before you act—it’s what you realize you had after you’ve acted. You take the step, however small. That step gives you the first real piece of proof: that you can do it. That proof, no matter how tiny, builds a real feeling of confidence. Not a pretend feeling, but a real one, because it’s based on something you actually did.

This loop moves you from standing still to moving. You act. You collect proof. You feel more sure. Then you act again, a little bigger this time. The loop feeds itself.

I want you to get this. You are not broken if you don’t feel confident. You are just stuck at the beginning of the loop. And the only way out is to take one small action. Any action. The action itself is the key that starts the engine.

We’ve been taught to wait for permission. But the permission slip doesn’t come from outside. You write it yourself, by doing the thing.

1. The Great Lie

Let's talk about the big lie we tell ourselves. It sounds so reasonable. We say, "I'll start when I feel ready." We think, "I'll apply for the job when I'm sure I'm qualified." Or, "I'll speak up when I know I'm right." We treat confidence like a key we need to find before we can open the door.

I bought this lie for years. I thought action had to come from a place of total certainty. I watched others and assumed they had a special kind of sureness that I lacked. So I waited. I waited for a sign, for a feeling of bravery, for the fear to go away. I was waiting for the green light inside my own head.

But here is the truth I learned the hard way: That green light never comes.

This idea of waiting to feel ready isn't really about being careful. It's about being scared. It's our mind's way of keeping us safe. If we never try, we can't fail. If we don't fail, we don't get hurt. So we stay put. We choose the comfort of "someday" over the risk of "today."

You might see this in your own life. Maybe you think, "I'll start my project when I have more time." But life never gives you more time; you have to take it.

We set these impossible conditions for ourselves. We think we need to feel like a confident speaker before we ever speak. We think we need to feel like a writer before we write the first word. We think we need to feel strong before we lift the first weight.

It’s a trick. A trap. It’s like saying you need to be in shape before you go to the gym. How does that make any sense? You get in shape by going to the gym.

This lie is powerful because it feels logical. It feels safe. But it is the thing that keeps you frozen. It makes you a permanent guest in that waiting room.

The breakthrough happens when you see the lie for what it is. Feeling ready isn't the first step. It's the last step. It's the feeling you get after you've done the thing a few times. You don't need to feel ready to start. You just need to start to eventually feel ready.

So we have to stop waiting for the feeling. The action comes first. The confidence comes later. Always.

2. The First, Tiny, Terrifying Step

So, if waiting for confidence is a trap, how do you break out? The answer is simple: you have to act. But I don’t mean a huge, scary leap. I mean a step so small it almost feels silly.

For a long time, I got this wrong. I thought taking action meant making a big, dramatic change. It felt like standing at the edge of a cold pool, trying to convince myself to dive in. I never wanted to jump. So I just stood there, frozen.

Then I learned a better way. I learned to see the first step not as a performance, but as an experiment. Your goal isn’t to be perfect. Your goal is just to see what happens. You are gathering information, not putting on a show.

Look at it like this:

You want to be better at speaking up. The big, scary action is "Give a speech." The tiny, smart action is "Say one sentence in a meeting."

You want to be a writer. The huge, scary action is "Write a book." The tiny, smart action is "Write three messy sentences today."

You want to be more social. The intimidating action is "Be the life of the party." The tiny, smart action is "Say hello to one person."

See the difference? The pressure disappears. You are not trying to be amazing. You are just trying to see what it feels like to try.

This small step gives you your first real piece of proof. The proof is not about success. The proof is simply this: I did it, and I was okay. The world didn't end. You survived. You showed yourself that you can move.

We often brush off these small steps because they don't seem important. But they are the most important thing you can do. They break the spell of doing nothing. They train your brain to believe, "I am someone who can take action."

So next time you feel stuck, don't ask for a big leap. Ask yourself this: "What is the smallest, easiest thing I can do right now?"

Find that one tiny thing. Then do it. Don't do it to be great. Do it to prove to yourself that you can start. That is how you build confidence—not with one giant jump, but with one small step after another.

3. The Evidence Piles Up

This is where things get good. You’ve taken that first small step. It’s done. Now you have your first real piece of proof. It’s not proof that you’re a superstar. It’s better. It’s proof that you can try. File that away. Call it Proof #1: I Did Something.

But one piece of proof feels thin. It can blow away. This is where most of us stop. We take one step, then wait for a feeling to carry us. That doesn’t work. You have to take another step. And another.

Think of it like this. You are building a pile of rocks. That first step is your first, small rock. It doesn’t look like much. But you pick up another. And another. Each small action is another rock for your pile.

Here’s what I mean.

That first time you spoke up? Proof #1: I Tried.

The next time, you spoke up and your voice cracked, but you kept going. Proof #2: I Didn't Quit.

Another time, you shared an idea and someone said, "That's good." Proof #3: I Added Something.

Then you finished a task you'd been putting off. Proof #4: I Followed Through.

Alone, each piece of proof is small. We often ignore them. We think we need one huge, shiny trophy. But life doesn't work that way. Real confidence is built with these small, plain rocks.

When you start to pile them up, something changes. You are no longer the person with just a story about what you can't do. You are now a person with a collection of receipts for what you did do.

This pile of proof is stronger than a feeling. Feelings change every day. You might feel brave in the morning and scared by afternoon. You can't build a house on a feeling. But you can build a life on proof. Proof is solid. You can't argue with it. Did you send the email? Yes. Did you go for the walk? Yes. That's a fact.

I want you to see this. Every time you do the small thing, you are putting a rock on your pile.

This is how we learn to trust ourselves. We don't trust ourselves because we feel magical. We trust ourselves because we have evidence. We have a list. We have a history. We have the rocks.

You start to think, "Well, I was nervous last time and I did it anyway. I guess I can be nervous this time and still do it." The fear doesn't disappear. It just doesn't stop you anymore. You have a pile of proof that says you can act, even when you're afraid.

So keep picking up rocks. Each small win is a rock for your pile. Your confidence is just the feeling you get when you look at that pile and see how tall it has become.

4. Embracing the "Failures" as Critical Data

Not every step you take will feel good. Sometimes, you'll try and it won't work. You'll raise your hand and say something that no one seems to hear. You'll send a message and get a "no" back. You'll try something new and feel a little embarrassed.

I used to think these moments were the end of the story. My brain would tell me, "See? This is the proof you were afraid of. This proves you can't do it." I would take that single moment and let it wipe away all my small wins. I filed these experiences under "Proof I'm Not Good Enough."

But I was wrong. We all get this wrong. This is the biggest and most important change you can make in your thinking: A stumble is not proof that you can't do something. It is the most useful information you can get.

Think of it like this: you are a scientist running little experiments on your life. When a scientist does an experiment and it doesn’t turn out as planned, they don’t quit science. They get curious. They think, "Hmm. That's interesting. Why didn't that work? What did I learn?" The experiment that "failed" just gave them the clues they need to try a better way next time.

You and I need to be scientists of our own lives. When something doesn't go right, we need to stop being a harsh judge and start being a curious observer.

Here’s how that shift looks:

The old way (The Judge): "I shared an idea and everyone was quiet. I'm so bad at this. I'll never speak again." This stops you cold.

The new way (The Scientist): "I shared an idea and everyone was quiet. Okay. Was it the wrong time to bring it up? Was I not clear enough? Maybe the group was tired. I'll note that." This keeps you moving.

See the difference? One way ends your progress. The other way guides your progress. When you see a trip not as a stop sign, but as a signpost, you keep going.

We have to remember: the goal is not Action → Perfect Success → Confidence. That's a fantasy. The real, sturdy path is Action → Learning → Adjustment → Confidence.

That awkward silence? It's information about timing. That rejected email? It's information about how to ask better next time. That attempt that felt messy? It's a full lesson on what "messy" actually looks and feels like, so it's less scary next time.

Think of a baby learning to walk. They wobble, step, and fall. They don't lie there and think, "Well, I'm a failure. I guess I'll crawl forever." No. Their body just learned something: "If I lean that way, I fall. Let me balance differently." The fall isn't the opposite of walking; it's a necessary part of learning to walk.

Your stumbles are your balance adjustments. They are not commands to stop. They are instructions for your next step.

This is how you build confidence that is strong. You build it not on being perfect, but on knowing you can handle not being perfect. You learn to trust your ability to learn more than you fear the trip. So don't run from the data you get when things go wrong. Lean in. Get curious. Let it teach you. That is the data that will make you truly confident.

5. The Identity Shift

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” I used to try that. I’d walk into a room feeling like a total fraud, trying to act like I was confident. I thought if I just pretended hard enough, the feeling would eventually become real.

But let me tell you, that is exhausting. It feels like wearing a costume that never quite fits. You’re always waiting to be found out. You’re acting like someone you don’t believe you are yet, and that gap is hard to live inside.

The Confidence Loop shows us a better way. A realer way. It’s not about faking anything. It’s about this simple idea: “Build it as you live it.”

Here’s what that means for you. You stop trying to pretend to be a confident person. Instead, you start being a person who takes confident actions. It’s a small difference in words, but a huge difference in your life.

Consider this shift. If you take a small action—like speaking up once a week—you are not faking being a good speaker. You are being a person who speaks up. If you write a few sentences each morning, you are not faking being a writer. You are being a person who writes. Your actions aren't a performance for others. They are proof for yourself.

This is how your identity changes. It doesn’t change because you wake up one day and declare, “I am a new person!” It changes slowly, quietly, through the things you do again and again.

You start to tell yourself a new story. The old story was, “I am someone who can’t do that.” The new story is built from your own evidence: “I am someone who does that.” Not perfectly, but regularly.

We move from “I wish I was that kind of person” to “I am becoming that person by my actions.”

You are not putting on a mask. You are building a face. Brick by brick. Action by action. Each small thing you do is another brick in your new foundation. You look at that foundation one day and realize, “Oh. This is who I am now.”

The feeling of confidence is just the moment you look up and see the house you’ve been building all along. You weren’t faking it. You were too busy building it to even notice it taking shape.

So forget “fake it ‘til you make it.” Start building it, right now, by living it. One small, real action at a time. You are becoming the person you want to be, simply by doing the things that person would do.

Final Summary

So, here we are, at the end of this. But really, I hope it feels like a beginning for you.

Let’s wrap it all up in the simplest way I know how. We started by talking about that waiting room—the place where dreams go to sit on hold. I’ve lived there. Maybe you are living there right now. It’s the place where we think we need to feel ready before we can start. We wait for a sign, for confidence to hit us like a lightning bolt, so we can finally move.

But after walking through this, you now know the secret. The sign isn’t coming. The lightning bolt doesn’t strike the waiting room. It strikes out there in the open, where the action is.

The biggest takeaway is this: You don’t need confidence to start. You need to start to get confidence.

We spent all this time breaking down The Confidence Loop, but it boils down to a simple, three-part recipe:

You act. (You do one tiny, almost silly thing.)

You get proof. (You see that you did it and the world didn’t end.)

You feel a little confidence. (A real kind, because it’s based on something you actually did.)

Then, you repeat. You use that little bit of confidence to do a slightly bigger thing. You collect more proof. You feel more sure. The loop builds on itself, like a snowball rolling downhill.

This isn’t some complicated theory. It’s the most practical thing in the world. It means stopping the endless planning, the overthinking, the waiting for the “right moment.” The right moment is now. The right feeling comes later.

I want you to forget about giant leaps. I want you to think about tiny steps. Your mission is not to change your life tonight. Your mission is to gather one piece of evidence today. Just one.

So, I'll leave you with one question, and I want you to answer it honestly:
What is the smallest, easiest, most no-brainer action you can take in the next 24 hours?

Not next week. Not when you feel better. Tomorrow. It must be so small that it would be harder to say no than to just do it.

Maybe it’s:

Saying “I have an idea” in a meeting.

Writing one paragraph of that thing you’ve been thinking about.

Asking one simple question you’ve been afraid to ask.

Do that one thing. Don’t do it to be perfect. Do it to be a scientist. Do it to see what happens. That action is you turning the key. That’s you stepping out of the waiting room.

Your confidence won’t come from reading this. It will come from what you do after you finish reading. You are not waiting for proof of your ability. You are about to create it.

We’ve spent our whole lives thinking the formula was broken. It’s not. We just had the steps in the wrong order. Put action first. Let everything else follow.

You have the map now. The loop is yours to start. Your first small step is the only thing standing between you and the proof you’ve been waiting for. Take it.